If You Lose Control, You Lose, Period!
Manipulative nasty behaviour is designed to affect you
emotionally so that you will become aggressive or defensive.
When we lose our cool and defend ourselves or become
aggressive we actually end up doing what the other nasty
person wants us to do...and we lose because we enter into
an ugly game where nobody can win. Self-control is critical,
and that has a particular meaning. It means that we control
our behaviour. You are entitled to be angry or upset if you
choose but you can learn to control your behaviour and the
way you express that anger or upset so something good
comes from it. Here are some tips:
• When dealing with someone who is attempting to provoke
a confrontation, make a conscious attempt to slow down
your responses. Do NOT reply immediately since your first gut
level response is likely to be an angry or defensive response.
Before you respond, ask yourself the questions: "How can
I deal with this situation so I create LESS anger and upset
on both sides?". Then respond.
• Pay special attention to the speed and loudness of your
speech. When people get excited they tend to talk more
quickly and loudly and that causes the other person to
escalate also...as the conversation increases in speed there
is less and less thought and more chance that people will say
things that are destructive. Take your time.
• If you are really triggered, ("pi*sed off") at what is being said
to you, it is a good idea to take a time-out. A time-out is not
avoidance--it differs in terms of what one says. For example,
if you say: "I'm not talking about this with you" that is an
avoidance response and a brush-off and likely to make the
situation worse. If you say: "It isn't a good time for me to talk
about this, but I would like to discuss it with you tomorrow.
Can we set up a time to meet?, that's different because it is
expressing a commitment to work with the person and does
so without characterizing the conversation as negative.
What You Focus On You Get More Of
There is a general principle in life that the things you focus on
you get more of. Practically speaking, that means that when
someone used confrontation-provoking behaviour you have
a choice as to whether you talk about the "junk" or "bait" or
whether you talk about something constructive. If you focus
on side-issues, personal attacks, negativity, past-centered
comments, etc., THAT is what the conversation will be about.
If you turn the conversation to something constructive, and do
not focus on the confrontation-focusing comments, you don't
allow the attacking person a forum to continue the attacks.
(see also Avoid Taking The Bait)
Avoid High Risk, High Gain Behaviour
Some reactions to nasty attacking behaviour have some chance
of succeeding, but are called high risk, high gain behaviour.
That is, when they work, they work well, but when they fail,
they increase the level of emotion, aggression and even violence.
Two examples: a verbal blunt smack upside the head, and
hum our. Both will work sometimes (probably rarely), and when
they work they can be very effective in turning a destructive
converse tion around. The problem is when they don't work,
they increase the escalation of the conflict situation.
We tend to remember the few times when high risk, high
gain actions succeed, and make the mistake of assuming
that they will work again. This is usually not the case.
In conflict situations it is a better bet to stay away from those
kinds of actions because more often than not they backfire.
Don't Take The Bait
We've left this principle to last because it is probably the
most important. It ties in with several other principles we
have talked about.
The term verbal bait refers to the many confrontation provoking
behaviors that have a single purpose; to control and
manipulate you into responding in emotional ways. When you
take the bait, the "fisherperson" basically reels you in, since
you have given up control of the conversation. Worse, you
have given up control of the conversation to someone who
probably doesn't have your best interests at heart.
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