Fast Forward: Sadly, my mom passed away 8/16/10 after bravely batting endometrial cancer which had mets to her lungs and brain.
Rewind: The last time I wrote I consumed with dealing with moms cancer the dreaded meeting with Hospice. We had the meeting with Hospice and things seemed to be looking up they would be there at least once a week to check mom’s vitals and perform her needed lab work so she would not need to leave the house which was becoming more difficult for both of us. Her from a physical stand point and me from a logistical standpoint.
My mother’s Birthday came on the 29th of July, and while she wasn’t too interested in celebrating, I tried my best to make it a happy day. I had given her an iPod earlier in the month which I loaded up with her favorite songs and pictures of the grandkids so she could have music during her chemo treatments and show of her grand kids which she loved to do. These days food was not at the top of her list and while I wanted to bake her a cake I didn’t even try because I knew in some respects it would just upset her.
During the next couple days to follow her birthday she seemed to be doing a bit better, she was eating more than she had in a few weeks and she was still able to do small things for herself around the house. I was becoming used to the routine of working from her house on Tuesday’s and Thursday’s 9my work from home days and stopping by before or after work on the other days. We had fallen into a new normal.
The Morning of August 3rd I was sitting at my computer I was finishing the sync of my iPod so I could go for my morning run when the phone rang it was 5:08 am the exact time 38 years ago that I was born. My mother used to call me some years at the exact time of my birth to be the first to wish me a happy birthday; she hadn’t done it in years so it was a pleasant surprise when the phone rang. I picked up only to hear a sense of desperation in my mom’s voice “come now, I need you now” I asked her what was wrong but she refused to tell me only saying I needed to get there now.
I quickly got in my car and headed to her house to find her lying on the floor of her bedroom, she had fallen out of bed and was unable to get herself back up. My thought at the time was that she had exhausted herself trying and finally gave up till she was able to get enough strength to reach the phone and call. I helped her up no easy task as mom was not a small lady. I got her settled and she assured me she was fine just really tried. I encouraged her to no go downstairs the rest of the day and that I would call her while I was at work to check on her. I went on to work and while there Hospice called to check on things unaware of what had happened in the am. I shared with them my concerns and they offered to send a nurse out to check on my mom. I could no longer concentrate at work so I left to be with mom.
When I arrived, she was in bed and shocked to see me back so soon, I told her I was worried about her and that Hospice was coming to just make sure she was ok. She was furious with me. She let me have it up one side down the other, telling me she didn’t want them in her home and that she was not going to be taken out of her home. I assured her nothing of the sort would happen but she was still not happy. The Hospice nurse came and checked her out. She was fine but she was very concerned for my mother’s safety moving forward she suggested moving my mom to the main level of her town house which would then allow her to stay on one floor and reduce the possibility for falls which could be deadly down the stairs. Mom refused; once the nurse was gone, she again laid into me for calling them. All of this was bearable for me however; I knew things had taken a drastic change for my mom because during the entire course of the day it never occurred to my mom that today was my birthday. This was sad on many levels for me, my mom was always the one I could count on through good or bad that would never forget my day and always made me feel special. Not that day :(
Over the next several days, I found my mom in various states to include on the floor in her office, one the floor in her room and sitting on the toilet to which she claimed to have been sitting on for 5 hours. It was crystal clear I could no longer leave her alone for long periods of time and after much debate and arguing I brought in a home health care aide to care for my mother. The aide did a good job but she was no match for my mom who was as stubborn as they come. The aide called me at least 2 times a day to ask for help or ask me to talk to my mother. By this point, I was at my mom’s house before and after work as well as all day on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
The hospice team brought an army on Aug 10th to meet with my mom it included the Dr. a social worker and mom’s regular nurse. This was the first time the dr. was seeing my mom and the news from him was not good he felt she now required 24hr care and that she was within 3 to 5 weeks of her passing. I was crushed, how was I supposed to relay this? How was I supposed to sell my mom on 24hr care? As it was I was barely seeing my own family and I wasn’t sure I could handle what 24hr care required. By this point mom had become increasingly unable to control her bowels and was becoming less and less herself and more and more combative. I talked with my husband and we agreed that I needed help ad we hired a 24hr caregiver. The care giver started on the 12th of August and she was the perfect match for my mom she would not put up with her nonsense but she was also very compassionate and caring and took care of all my mom’s personal needs which I was unable to do. I feel horrible saying that but it became too much to try and change and bathe my mom and I was overwhelmed with emotion each time I did.
Friday August 13th – Dan had arranged for the priest from my mom’s local parish to visit we felt it was better to do this now while mom was still doing well. He visited with her for over an hour and preformed last rites or what is now known as the sacrament of the sick. I felt it was early for this as the Dr said we were 3 to 5 weeks away but in hindsight, I am glad Dan made that call.
Saturday August 14th I stayed the entire day with my mom all day I laid in bed with her and we talked and she held my hand at one point I told her “I love you” she said “I love you more” to which I answered “I love you mostest” and then she spread her arms wide and said “I love you this much” we used to have that exchange when I was a little girl. I was totally brought to tears.
Sunday August 15th- I arrived in the am to find my mom in bed moaning her breathing was not labored but it was clear something had happened to her overnight. The breathing and moaning became louder and finally after 5 to 6 hours of it I called hospice. They sent a nurse who said the moaning was a sign of pain and the breathing was grugley because she was unable to clear secretions. She asked when the last time was that she had had food or drink and we told her mom had not eaten solid food for about 4 days and that we were only getting ensure in her so she could take her meds. She turned to me and said “stop the fluids, only give her water and only if she asks for it, she is unable to handle the ensure and it will end up in her lungs which could lead to pneumonia” I was shocked and the look on my face must have showed it because she came to me and took my hand and said “this is the beginning of the end, you have about 2 weeks give or take”. I stayed with my mom the rest of the evening before heading home at 9pm to get a shower and go to bed.
Monday August 16th - I was at my mom’s at 5am, the caregiver was changing her, and I talked to her sharing a goofy story about her grandson Jackson and telling her that Izzy was now taking steps. She smiled and seemed to be in good spirits. She even had a small 80z bottle of water. I decided to go to work to let them know I would need to go on a leave of absence as it was becoming clear the end was near. My boss was very understanding and told me to let him know if there was anything, he could do to help. I headed back to my mom’s house where my husband had been just and hour before. He had reported that she was sleeping peacefully and quietly. I arrived to find her in the same state and was content to sit next to her as she slept. At 5:45 the doorbell rang and it was the delivery of the hospital bed that hospice had ordered to allow my mom to more easily sit up and help with her breathing. The caregiver and I went to help move mom to the new bed when I realized that mom was burning up with a fever. I took her temperature after we moved her and she was 104. I called hospice who said they would send a nurse over they then instructed me to put cool rags on her and then the words I don’t think I will forget. “This is the end; the body sometimes spikes a high fever right at the end. You have hours to a day” I hung up called my husband and told him through my tears. He came quickly and brought the children. He went up to her room first and sat with her for a few minutes, I then took each of the children to her bedside I told them Gran was very tired and she was snoring a lot (her breathing was horribly loud) My oldest stood by her bedside and told her she loved her then quickly left. My middle child came in grabbed moms had told her he loved her and kissed her hand. I walked him out and he turned to me and said “I’m never going to see Gran again am I?” to which I could only say “probably not”.
Dan left with the kids and I went back to be with my mom, I sat there holding her hand with tears rolling down my face, her breathing was atrocious. Finally, it slowed and with one final breath, she was gone. I sat there stunned holding her hand not wanting to let go. I called my husband who was on his way back to her house to tell him she was gone. After that, I sat holding her hand for another 1 and half as we waited for hospice to come and certify her death, then the funeral home it was 11:30 before I left moms house dazed and stunned.
Moms funeral was simple she wanted to be cremated and wanted only a small graveside service. I was very fortunate to have loving friends and family around me all of whom have made this whole ordeal bearable.
In the last several weeks I have realized that while my mom and I were at odds a lot she was my best friend I did tell her just about everything and I so dearly miss our talks even though a great many ended in arguments. I thank her for her strength, without it I would not have gotten through the last several months. I pray she is in a better place and at peace as peace seemed to escape her during her time her on earth.
Barbara B. O'Toole
7-29-43 - 8-16-10
No comments:
Post a Comment