It happened just like I thought it would…

So I mentioned last week that I was going to talk to my mother about the fact that we were going to go to NY to see Dan's parents for the Thanksgiving holiday. I had that talk with my mom on Sunday, it went well too well. I know my mom and she doesn't roll over when it comes to things like this. So of course this morning when I call her to ask her if she has voted or is going to go out and vote the conversation turns to Thanksgiving. I can't repeat the entire conversation word for word but here is how it started.

Mom: So have you and Dan decided that you are going to NY for Thanksgiving?
Me: No we really haven't had a chance to talk about it with work, his job search and the kids etc.
Mom well do you also plan to see them in Jan? (we go up in Jan to have our own personal Christmas since we do Christmas in our house for the kids)
Me: I think so, why not?
Mom: Why would you go up in Nov then again in Jan?
Me: Because we always go in Jan!
Mom: Well, I hope you think of me all alone when you are sitting at their table. But IA m sure you won't because you will be with your big family gathering which is what you want!
Me: big sigh

See this is where it begins I get berated because I, for the second year in a row last year invited someone other then her to Thanksgiving dinner. She in turn decided not to show up because it wasn't a family only event. Family only would consist of my mom me Dan and the kids. It is never enjoyable and inevitably I end up getting into some nasty discussion 2 days after about something that was said or not said or food that was prepared or whatever, not my ideal way of spending Thanksgiving. Growing up it was only she and I at the table and I always longed for the big gathering. I have shared that with her and I get responses back like well I am sorry you had such a terrible childhood.

Our conversation continued after my big sigh and really got us nowhere as a matter of fact it ended up that I finally after 7 years purged the fact that I was crushed when she told me she would not be my built in babysitter while I was pregnant with my first born. She has held true to that…… but it is important to know that comment meant a lot more then just what was said. It meant don't look to me to be hands on, nor the one to bail you out if you get in over your head. I was crushed, this was her grandchild she was talking about and she had already taken a stance before even meeting this precious child. It was just another one of the many comments over the years that my mom has made to me that can never be taken back or explained away. I have had my mom call me a b*tch, a whore, slut, no go for nothing kid, and the best is the constant guilt of the fact that she had to give up everything to raise me by herself when my Dad left and that is why she has nothing today. I have tried so hard all my life to make her proud of me to try to do things for her and help her and nothing nothing I do seems to be enough. I am always the one who is wrong.

This morning if I heard it once I heard it 25 times to "enjoy Thanksgiving at their table and think of me alone." It is a guilt trip I know that but I am tired of it. Frankly the fact that my husband has graciously allowed us to spend every holiday with my mom and not with his family so that my mom wouldn't be alone is one of the most loving things he could do. However I am now keenly aware that he has had his fair share of guilt and remorse for not being with them for any holidays in the last 10 years and the fact is they are not getting any younger and I would hate myself if something were to happen and he wasn't there that one last time because of me.

I am devastated that my mom acts the way she does and has so much ill will towards my other side of the family, but it is time I put my family first and do what I believe is right and best for me and my family. That to me means going to NY for Thanksgiving and taking a long hard look at my relationship or lack of one with my mom.

As you can imagine I am emotional because I know that my choice may very well end up being the choice that dissolves any relationship I have with my mother which will inevitable end with her being out of my life for good.

I need help and guidance here ladies, I have blogged for a year and some of you know me pretty well. How would you handle things? If you need more background to voice that opinion I am happy to share as I think it is somewhat of a release for me to do so. Please give me your input good or bad as I feel I am drowning here.

If you haven't done so please go out and vote, I was at the polls at 5:15 this morning and made my voice heard, I only wish I could have taken my daughter with me to help her better understand the process, I guess I will save that lesson for the next election.